Who God Wants - Homily on the Solemnity of Sts. Peter and Paul

Good morning. If you weren’t here last week, I’d like to introduce myself once more: I’m the new guy, Father Gerber. And thank you for your amazing welcoming during my first two weeks here!

If you’ve been so blessed to go to Rome, you have probably seen St. Peter’s basilica and perhaps St. Paul Outside the walls. These basilicas are so beautiful in every way: the sheer size and the gold bespeak something divine. And that they are dedicated to the Apostles Peter and Paul bespeak something amazing about Peter and Paul: they were ordinary men transformed by extraordinary grace to do things only God could do: walk on water, heal the sick, raise the dead, set the world on fire with the Holy Spirit. They would even give their lives for this. The beauty of the basilicas remind us of their extraordinary lives and their extraordinary calling to be the pillar and foundation of the Catholic Church.

However: If we would have met Peter and Paul before they encountered Jesus, we wouldn’t have chosen them for such an extraordinary task. Peter was just a fisherman—what did he know? what skills did he have to lead the Church? Sure, he is ambitious, but how weak his faith was at first! He would even deny God at the most decisive moment in human history! And Paul? Paul was educated, sure, but he was nuts! When we first meet him, he is killing Christians! Surely, there were better men out there for God to choose from! Men more skilled, men more holy.

But God’s like: “No. I want them. I want these guys.” To which I respond: God, who is in charge of your HR department??!?

It is here that we come to a truth about God: God does not choose the qualified. He chooses those whom He wants.

While this is a comfort—especially to those called to lead the Church—it is also a scandal. I mean, doesn’t God know that choosing oftentimes inadequate men—sinners, really—doesn’t God know that this will lead to a PR nightmare? I think of St. Peter: how many times he stuck his foot in his mouth! If I were a disciple, I would turn to Jesus and say: Ok, Jesus, Peter has done it again… how many times does this have to happen before you realize that you can do better?

            But I want Him. And he is going to be the Pope.

What?!?!?!?

I don’t know about you, but I would rather choose the perfect.  The skilled. The good looking. The already-holy. The last one I would choose would be the inadequate, the sinner. But that is often whom God chooses.

I take this to prayer. God, why? And as I prayed on this, I realized something: Our God is a God of hopefulness. Hopefulness? Yes. After all, is there anything more hopeful than the belief that a great sinner can become a great saint? In today’s Solemnity, we celebrate precisely that: that God has transformed these two sinners into great saints; that God has chosen two men who, in the eyes of the world, had no business being the foundation of the Church to be precisely that: the foundation of the Church! Great sinners chosen to be great saints!

This alerted me to the fact that within the very bedrock of our Church is a foundation of profound hopefulness. That the Stone which the builders rejected can indeed become the cornerstone. Yes, our God is a God of hopefulness!

There is one problem with this. And that is that God’s hopefulness can seem too hopeful—foolish, really. Unrealistic, and ultimately unbelievable. And not just in regards to whom He chooses to lead the Church, but also in regards to whom He chooses to become saints.

As a priest, I go to many wedding receptions and backyard bbqs. And when I’m there, more often than not, there is table tucked away in the corner—the table of “the sinners”: the relatives that have fallen away or the self-proclaimed “Bad Catholics.” I make it over to that table and they are usually being assisted by a few “beverages”… they start to vocalize the problems of the Church or, more they start telling me about their sinfulness—or the sinfulness of the person next to them!

“Father” they say, “you don’t want to sit at this table. We’re a bunch of sinners.” Or, “Father, you might want to close your ears…”

They bare their guilt to me, but they have also turned it into a mask: that, deep down, what they are saying is, “Father, there’s no hope for us. We’re sinners. We can’t change.”

But it is precisely these that the Lord wants!

I want to say to them: Do you realize that you are the ones God wants? Do you realize the hope that god still has for you? After all, if Paul could kill Christians and if Peter could deny Jesus—and yet both of them be redeemed and still chosen for great holiness—then isn’t there still hope for us too?

Perhaps the hopefulness of God isn’t so unrealistic after all.

…

When I realize the hope that God has in me, I react as Peter did. He said, “Depart from me, Lord; for I am a sinful man.” Lord, depart from me; I am a sinner, I can’t lead your church. Lord, depart from me; isn’t there someone better whom you can choose? Or, Lord, I am too old; I’m an old dog and I can’t learn new tricks. Lord, don’t you know the depths of me and my capacity to sin?

But God, in His hopefulness and love, want us to know the heights of His ability to save and transform you. Yes, he knows our sins; yet he says nevertheless: I choose you anyway.

I want to do great things through you. Let me turn your cross into resurrection.

My life has changed because of this. I will save you the details of my past for now, but I will say that when I realize that God wants me, not only am I filled with hope, but I am also quicker to see others as people whom God wants. As a result, I am quicker to be patient, quicker to forgive, quicker to focus on the light of grace and potential. Ultimately, I am quicker to smile to the people at the bbq table and say “You know, where sin abounds, grace abounds all the more. So maybe God wants you. Maybe he hasn’t given up on you. So don’t lose hope. God wants to transform you!”

Let us therefore bring to this altar all who need that transformation—family, friends, co-workers… whoever it is (and maybe it is us!... and me too!)—bring them here and ask St. Peter and St. Paul to intercede for them. God wants them. Sinners... into saints!

Homily for Pentecost - Unity and Diversity in the Old and New

I wrote today’s homily from my office which is now mostly empty. A new priest will be in this same office in just over a week, just as there was Father Goldian and Father Nemeth before me.

Just like our parishes, each one of us priests has a different personality and a different set of strengths and weaknesses. It is as Paul writes in his letter to the Corinthins: “there are different kinds of spiritual gifts … different forms of service … different workings.”

And yet, Paul writes that we are one body in the Lord.

Thus, there is a tension: between having many different gifts and yet still being united and faithful in one body. But how does this work? Don’t differences bring division?

+++ Paul’s analogy is very helpful here. Imagine an athlete: let’s say the basketball player LeBron James. He has spent his life practicing basketball, shooting countless freethrows, endlessly practicing footwork, lifting weights each day so that each limb of his body is perfectly in tune with his heart and mind such that he executes with precision his every move on the basketball court. His limbs are tried and tested, each gifted with a certain purpose. And when his body does what he wants it to do, his team usually wins a championship.

The problem comes when a part of his body cramps up—which is what happened in the NBA Finals this week. When he was benched, LeBron was frustrated because as much as he wanted his leg to move, the leg wouldn’t move. (And I’m told that this happens a lot in old age).

Unity of the body, therefore, requires that each member of the body, while ordained to do different things, do the things that the mind and heart—or the spirit—of the body desires them to do. A cramped leg doing its own thing does not help with unity.

Paul applies this to the Church: while each of us have different gifts and workings, it is only when we are united to the Holy Spirit and doing what He wills that we are united as one body. When we are off doing our own thing, we bring harm to the body and keep it from achieving greatness. We would be a leg cramp.

+++ During the past five decades, the Catholic Church has suffered from a spiritually cramped leg, particularly in precisely what it means to be united to the one body of Christ and yet to be a member with diverse gifts.

This spiritual cramp is most clearly seen in how people treat what is old—not old people, but teachings and traditions that are perceived as old. There are many who speak with disdain about the “old ways” and the “old church” and we find them grumbling against anyone who likes these “more traditional” and “old fashioned” things.

Such members, in their zeal for the new and the progressive—thinking that new must be better—

actually do harm the unity and diversity of the Church. This is because unity is not limited to simply holding hands with the people of the church in our generation, but unity also means being united to the people of the Church of all generations—to our ancestors who built up our faith and to the Holy Spirit who gave such “old fashioned” and “traditional” gifts to our ancestors in the first place.

St. Francis of Assisi, St. Vincent de Paul, St. Therese of Lisieux, and even Mother Theresa—they were all raised by these “old traditions” of the Church. The men that stormed Normandy on D-day—mostly Catholic—were raised by these “old traditions.” So, when people talk begrudgingly about a “pre-Vatican II” church, they are dividing themselves from the vast majority of saints.

Indeed, there is not a pre-Vatican II church, nor is there a post-Vatican II church. There is only one holy Catholic Church united by the Holy Spirit whose many diverse gifts span throughout all generations.

+++ When I discovered these “old” traditions and teachings—like veiling statues during Lent, Latin and chant, having a Mary statue that looks like a queen, traditional marriage and so on—When I discovered such “old” things, it was like discovering my great-grandfather’s memory box in the attic. How could I treat my great-grandfather’s memory box like junk? Certainly, here were treasures! And if I didn’t understand them, then that wasn’t an occasion for me to throw the box away, but to ask questions. And when I asked questions, I discovered not only what these treasures meant, but I also discovered more about who I am—because who I am is tied up with who came before me. Suddenly, my experience of life was not bound simply to the church since 1970, but I was now experiencing a greater diversity: a church of all the ages!

Understanding the treasures given in the past helps me to live a treasured life now. So, these old fashioned teachings and traditions were not only treasures ever ancient, but treasures ever new.

+++ This is important for our future. Look at our world: is it any coincidence that our world has become so messed up in the precise moment that so many of our church members turned aside traditional teachings and worship? Perhaps our future depends on whether or not we recover the gifts that the Holy Spirit has given our Church.

Of course, when it comes to old fashioned and traditional teachings, we are told to be “Be less judgmental, less discriminating.” And for a while, the Church tried this approach. So have I. But as I have tried this approach, I have come to a certainty: the reality is is that the issue isn’t only about how we say something, but that we are saying anything at all.

The world would have us be quiet. But as we see in Pentecost, the Holy Spirit would have us speak up. He is the ancient one and his teachings may sound “old,” but his voice is new and what he brings is newness and renewal.

We can’t be afraid of the old. We must not be afraid.

+++ I started this homily by talking about the priests that have come before me and the priests that come after me. While we are different in our gifts, I hope that we priests at this parish have been united in passing along the perennial teachings and traditions of the Church; for I too am a member of this body.

It is precisely these treasures—ever ancient and ever new— which are the gifts that are given to me at my ordination. As a member of the body, my duty to the body is to teach and protect these treasures. Indeed, the gift of ordination is a gift meant to help protect the very unity and diversity of the Church— it is the gift that protects the unity of the Church: a unity that spans the centuries and to the end of the world, a diversity that is rich in treasures every ancient and ever new. If I did not do this, I myself be suffering from the spiritual leg cramp—and I would bring division to the body.

I ask you, therefore, to pray for us priests. And to pray that all the Church may be conformed, not to the spirit of this corrupt generation, but to the Holy Spirit who is God, the source of our treasured diversity and our holy unity.

Homily Notes for the 3rd Sunday in Lent: Thirsty at the Well

This past week, a priest-friend and mentor of mine passed away. His name was Father Ray Ryland and he was a priest at St. Peter’s in Steubenville, where I attended Holy Mass when I was in grad school. Father Ryland was a convert from Unitarianism, who later become an Episcopalian minister, and then converted to the Catholic Church. He had an amazing thirst for Truth and a certain belief that if you seek, then you shall find. He found the Truth in the Catholic Church and he knew it—and it made him one of the most peaceful men I knew. His serenity—not to mention his amazing intellect—were incredibly attractive. He had something: a fountain of living water within him. And it made him peaceful—confident in the Lord no matter the struggle. I’m sure you’ve known people like this. I thirst for that kind of peace.

I thought of Father Ryland as I was reflecting on the readings. Here was a man of peace who had found what quenched his thirst. And I saw in him a great contrast to the woman who comes to Jesus at the well. Let us turn our thoughts to her.

The Woman at the Well: Drawing Water at Noon

The woman comes to the well because she is thirsty. And it is obvious by her bucket that she is thirsty for water. This is her basic thirst.

But there is something deeper going on. And we know it because she is coming to the well at noon. This is odd because nobody drew water at noon—it would be in the brightest and hottest part of the day. Everyone would have drawn at dawn. So why is she drawing at noon?

It’s because she is one of “those women.” She has had five husbands. Five! Can you imagine the gossip about her, all the women of the town talking at the well? The crass words, the judgments, the names? So, this woman doesn’t draw at dawn when all of the other women are there. Perhaps to avoid the gossip. Perhaps to be alone with her thoughts and her guilt.

The Woman at the Well: Drawing at Jacob’s Well

But there is something interesting about this well. This is Jacob’s well—Jacob from the book of Genesis in the Old Testament. It is the well where he quenched the thirst of Laban’s flocks. And who was Laban? Laban was the father of Rachel. It is at this very well that Jacob and Rachel would meet. And they would marry. So, this well was rather important—and our woman knew this.

She has been looking for love—for faithful, satisfying love—and she still hasn’t found what she’s looking for. She’s had five husbands. And who knows why—who knows, really: maybe they left her. All this serves to prove that this woman has been hurt… and she’s coming to the well, not only to quench her thirst, but maybe like Rachel, she will find her true love. Maybe she will find the man of her dreams, the one who will be faithful.

She comes to the well at noon. I repeat that again because this time has a special meaning: it is the exact hour when Rachel met Jacob. It is the hour she meets Jesus. (And for completion, it is the hour of Jesus' crucifixion too)

The Woman at the Well: Call Your Husband

            So far, we can say that the woman has two thirsts: for water and for love.

But this well goes deeper. When she meets Jesus, they have a discussion about her five husbands. But this isn’t just about her “husbands,” per se. Jesus is talking about something deeper. In order to understand this, we need to flashback…

            Seven-hundred years before Jesus, Northern Israel was conquered by the Assyrians. The Assyrians took away all of the rich and educated people and left behind all of the poor. In time, the Assyrians brought in five other nations who each had their own gods. These nations intermarried with the poor Jews (see 2 Kings 17:24-34). This mixed people, known as Samaritans, abandoned their worship of God and began to worship the five other gods. What is interesting is that the Samaritans called these pagan gods "Ba’als"—which means “My Master,” and also “My…. husband.” So the conversation isn’t just about human husbands—this is about the woman and all the Samaritans and their worship of false gods.

            So, when Jesus tells her to call her husband, what he is doing on a deeper level is asking the woman to call upon her false gods. Call upon those, he is saying, in whom you are placing your life and your trust. See if they will satisfy you. Do they satisfy your deepest thirst?

            Does getting more money—does that satisfy the deepest thirst, or you do always need more? What about the husband-god of lust—when you indulge are you deeply satisfied or do you keep coming back to that old well? What about the drink? Or the anger? Or just the self-appointed god of you? Are you satisfied by this? How is that working out for you? Or turning your children into gods, answering their every beck and call—is this what life is all about? Call your husband, see what you are spending your time on, who has your heart,…..

Let us spend a moment to reflect on this.

I find it interesting that my desires are like a deep well that just can’t be completely satisfied—that I’m always longing for more, as though my desire was for the infinite...

Which desire would I marry it for eternity?

            Imagine, brothers and sisters: Jesus is standing right before us, right now, saying “I will give you water so that you will never thirst.” I have something greater than these old wells of desires for money, fame, lust, despair…  You don’t have to go to those old wells anymore. Come to me.

Give Me a Drink: A Divine Proposal

            When Jesus asks to the woman to call her husband, she responds: “I have no husband.” This too has some history to it. While her people have five husbands—five gods—she is particularly a part of the Samaritans who have even abandoned the worship of those five gods. Hence, “I have no husband.” She has no one. No God.

            At this point, we remember what Jesus said at the beginning of this whole Gospel. He started out by saying: “Give me a drink.” This is historically important. This was the request that was made in Genesis to determine if Rebekah was the divinely-intended bride for Isaac (Gen 24:14).

            What’s going on then is that Jesus is not proposing marriage to her in the human sense (ie, to quench the second thirst). Rather, what Jesus is doing is proposing a divine marriage: I want to be your God, I want to be the one who quenches your thirst, I want to fulfill your heart’s desires. I want to be your “husband” in the fullest sense: the God who is your everything.

            All of this is to fulfill what is said in the prophet Hosea 2:14-20:

Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her.  And there I will give her her vineyards, and make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. And there she shall answer as in the days of her youth, as at the time when she came out of the land of Egypt.  “And in that day, says the LORD, you will call me, ‘My husband,’ (lit. “my man”) and no longer will you call me, ‘My Ba’al’ (lit. “my master,” formal: “my husband”). For I will remove the names of the Ba’als (the pagan deities) from her mouth, and they shall be mentioned by name no more. And I will make for you a covenant on that day with the beasts of the field, the birds of the air, and the creeping things of the ground; and I will abolish the bow, the sword, and war from the land; and I will make you lie down in safety. And I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love, and in mercy.  I will betroth you to me in faithfulness; and you shall know the LORD.

            This is a divine proposal! That Jesus shall be our God and we shall be his people! Married! Another word for this is covenant.

            Hence there follows a conversation about worshipping God in spirit and in truth. Many of the Samaritans who had given up the five gods start to believe in the one, true, God, but they never actually enter the covenant—they never enter Jerusalem which was the place of worship (Ps 132:13). Instead, the Samaritans built their own temples and tried to be in relationship with God without following the proper form of the covenant. This is analogous to the modern day spirituality where people say they believe in Jesus, but not in religion. Or, another analogy: where couples live together, but delay in entering the formal covenantal relationship with each other and God (ie, the sacrament of marriage).

Jesus invites the woman to worship in spirit—that is, filled with love for the one, faithful, satisfying God—and in truth—that is, within the form of the covenant he has given.

Hope Does Not Disappoint

            This morning, Jesus invites us into this satisfying covenant of divine love. It is for this reason that he approaches the well. Yes, he approached the well too! And he isn’t looking for the perfect person—rather, he reaches out to the imperfect woman precisely where she is so as to lift her up into the ecstasy of divine love.

            And is she satisfied?

            Look at her reaction: she goes and tells all of the people about this Jesus. They have been thirsting too! And they are changed—they see that she is changed: could this be “that woman”?  And they believe! And back at the well… she has left the bucket. Her thirsts have been quenched!

            I am reminded here of the words of our second reading:

hope does not disappoint,
because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts
through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

The love of God has been poured into our hearts! She has left her bucket. No more old wells. And she is overflowing. She must spread this good news to others.

 “I Thirst”

            There is one final thing to say. Jesus said, “Give me a drink.” This means that Jesus thirsts as well. This is shocking to me. God… thirsts! The Almighty… longs for us. He longs to have our love. He longs to pour his love into our hearts and bring us the happiness and satisfaction for which we are longing!

            He echoes this again from the cross when he says, “I thirst.” What is he thirsty for? Water? No. He is thirsty for our love!

            From his side pour forth blood and water: the waters of baptism, the blood of the Eucharist. In this Church, then, we have this new well, this spring of life-giving water. Of the Eucharist he says, “Take this all of you and drink of it… The blood of the new and eternal covenant…” poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

            Come, then, brothers and sisters. Let us draw deeply from this divine spring of love. Let us open our hearts, our buckets, and be filled with this life-giving water.

Homily for St. Valentine's Day - All School Mass

+ Holy Mass this morning would ordinarily be for St. Cyril and St. Methodius—and I would be happy to talk about them because I’m sure I could have connected them to the Olympics in Russia. But I see that many of you are wearing red today. So I must ask: What are we celebrating?

(The kids answer: Valentine’s Day).

Yes, Valentine’s Day. The day of chocolates and candies and Valentine’s cards and roses!

So I have another question for you: Why are we celebrating this day with chocolates and candies and cards and roses on this day?

(I go to a kindergartner and she responds: “Because it’s about love!”)

Yes, very good! Today is about love!

Now, I am going to turn to my eighth graders. Eighth graders: you have been celebrating Valentine’s day for many years here at St. Joe’s. Can you give me an even more specific answer to why we are celebrating this day?

(An eighth grader responds: Because Valentine was a saint).

Awesome. You are right. Valentine is a saint. So, we must say Happy SAINT Valentine’s day, right? I mean, what if we said on St. Patrick’s day, “Happy Patrick’s Day?” Ireland would probably explode!—HE’S A SAINT!!! SAINT Patrick. SAINT Valentine!

So, my next question: Does anyone know anything about Saint Valentine? …… 

            (A child guesses something that isn’t close. Everyone else is quiet….)

Isn’t this interesting? Here we have been eating chocolate and candies and giving out cards and roses all because of St. Valentine, but we don’t know anything about him. That’s kind of silly, isn’t it?—To celebrate someone that you know nothing about….

Parents and teachers, this is a prime example of our post-Catholic era. We live in a world that has the trappings of the Catholic faith—like Valentine’s day with the chocolates and whatnot—but we have no idea what it is about. It is our duty to teach on these things.

Let me tell you about St. Valentine.

The first thing you should know about St. Valentine was that he was a priest! Yes, a priest! (Can you imagine Hallmark having Valentine cards with a priest on the cover saying, "Happy Saint Valentine's Day"???)

Valentine lived around 200 years after the Ascension of our Lord Jesus Christ. And during this time, there was an evil emperor named Claudius. The evil emperor Claudius had made a law forbidding people to get married. Imagine: It was illegal to get married! And if you were caught, you would be thrown in jail. (The reason why Claudius made this law was so that men would fight in the army instead of staying at home with their families).

So Valentine thought that this was a stupid law and so he kept on being a priest and ministering at couples’ weddings. Valentine was known for protecting marriage and the couples getting married.

One day, Valentine was caught and arrested and he was thrown into jail. He was brought before the evil emperor Claudius… Claudius was impressed by Valentine and so Claudius wanted Valentine to worship the Roman gods like Venus and Cupid. Valentine refused to worship the Roman gods and so Claudius condemned Valentine to death.

While Valentine was in prison awaiting to be executed, he talked with the jailor who kept watch over him. The jailor didn’t know anything about God, but he liked to listen to Valentine. One day, Valentine learned that the jailor had a daughter who was blind.

So, on the night before Valentine died, he wrote the jailor’s daughter a pure and holy note, telling her all about God’s love for her. But how could she read the note? She was blind! On the next day, Valentine was martyred—hence the reason why we wear red and give things that are red, like red roses. And on that same day, the jailor’s daughter was healed: she could see!

At the bottom of the letter, it said, “From your Valentine.” He loved her with a pure and holy love, a virginal love—hence the white that is also used this day.

News of this spread throughout Rome. The priest who had protected married couples had performed yet another miracle of love and had in fact given his life in love for Jesus Christ. Jesus had asked Valentine: Will you be mine? And Valentine said yes! Yes, Lord, yes!!!

That is why we celebrate SAINT Valentine’s Day.

So let us turn now to the God who is love. Yes, on the night before Jesus died, Jesus gave us something better than a paper Valentine. Jesus gave us His very body and blood, soul and divinity. The greatest of all “Valentines.” The Eucharist tells us of God’s love for us. And, like all Valentines, He asks us—just as He asked Saint Valentine: will you be mine? Let us ask Saint Valentine to help us always to love God above all else. And let us ask him to help all couples that they might grow in holy and pure love. St. Valentine, pray for us! +

How to Memorize the Old Testament in Under 30 Minutes

So, I’m a Catholic priest. And I was thinking the other day: “It’s kinda embarrassing that I don’t have memorized all of the books of the Old Testament.” Sure, there are 46 books and I’ve read through them and studied them, but I couldn’t recite them to you as one long list. I’d get lost somewhere in the ah-ba-dibah-sounding prophets…

So, if you told me that I could memorize all of the books in half an hour, I would laugh at you. And tell you to get out.

That is, until today.

Over the weekend, I was hanging out with a few brother priests and one of them told me how he had discovered a way of memorizing a lot of material with relative ease—in fact, he memorized all of the books of Scripture. How? He said that he read in a book about how you mentally “build a house” and “fill it” with the things that you are trying to memorize. The pneumonic devices and visual aspects of imagining a house lead to a higher retention rate. So, you pretend that you enter a foyer and there, in the foyer, are the pneumonic objects that lead you to remember the things you wanted to remember. Then, you turn to the next room (a dining room, a kitchen…) and remember the other things that you placed there. Pretty cool stuff, actually.

“It’s worth a shot,” I said to myself.

So, this morning I “built my house” and filled each room with pneumonic devices so that I'd remember each book. And when I was done, I realize that I had memorized all of the books of the Old Testament. In fact, I had all of the books memorized in 25 minutes. In fact, it was so quick and so awesome, I decided to try it on my 6^th graders who I would be teaching later that morning. During class, I “built a house” with them and in just half an hour, a vast majority had retained 40 or more books—and in order. I was so proud of their achievement and this discovery, I had to share it here.

So, here is the "house" I “built” for the 46 books of the Old Testament. Enjoy!

THE OLD TESTAMENT HOUSE 

Imagine you’re walking up to a house. Any house. But a big house. Maybe a mansion. And you walk up the steps to the door and at the foot of the door you see a floor mat. It says GENESIS. The beginning. As you are about to knock on the door, you see it has a sign on it: Not an Exit, but an EXODUS sign. Weird. You knock on the door and a priest answers the door. His name is LEVITICUS. “Hi, I’m Leviticus” he says. In his hand, he’s holding a book of NUMBERS. Maybe it’s a math book or a geometry book. No, it’s a DEUTERONOMY book! [5 books]

The priest lets you in and you walk in to the foyer. There, in the foyer, you see a man scrubbing the floor. His name is JOSHUA. He’s cleaning up some smudges left by some JUDGES who stepped on a baby RUTH bar. Poor guy. [3 books]

Immediately to the right of the foyer is the living room. In the living room, there is a table with two men at it playing checkers. Strangely, they are both named Samuel—SAMUEL #1 and SAMUEL #2. As they play checkers, you noticed that they only have two kings—1 KINGS, 2 KINGS. Behind them sits a guy in a recliner reading the CHRONICLES of Narnia. (Books 1 & 2). The guy in the La-Z-boy is EZRA. Beside the recliner is a fireplace, where we see two people warming themselves: NEHEMIAH is warming his knees; TOBIT is warming his toes. [9 books]

If we go to the end of the living room, we discover the kitchen. JUDITH and ESTHER are there. They are both swatting at bees—MACCABEES (1&2). That is their JOB. If you look out the kitchen window, you will see a PSALM tree. Turning to the refrigerator, you notice PROVERBS magnets on the door. Open the door and inside the fridge there is a delicious, chocolate ECCLESIASTES. [8 books]

From there, we hear beautiful music coming from the library. In the doorway, we discover a record player playing the SONG OF SONGS. We go in the library and we see look up and see stack upon stack of books—a library full of WISDOM. We enter in and greet SIRACH the librarian. He is watching a table of several guys studying. At that study table, we see ISAIAH with an eye-patch and JEREMIAH has a bullfrog. We see a guy crying—that’s LAMENTATIONS—and he’s crying because BARUCH broke EZEKIEL’s wheel. At the end of the table is DANIEL. He is quiet because he doesn’t want to wake the lion under the table… [9 books]

We leave the library and head up the stairwell…. As we go up the stairs, we see a Santa Claus coming down the stairs! “Ho! Ho! Ho!” he says; but we know that it is Ho-Ho-HOSEA. Behind him is an elf singing “The First JOEL.”  At the top of the stairs, we see a hallway. At one end, AMOS is taking aim with his bow and arrow. He is shooting at OBEDIAH (who thinks this is a bad idea). At the end of the hallway is the bathroom. We go in and see that JONAH is there in the bathtub, playing in the bubbles with his toy whale. [5 books]

We turn and enter the bedroom. There, we see three boys having a pillow fight with feathers everywhere. We ask them their names. “MICAH” says Mike as he’s hit in the face. “My name—um” says another who is hit in the stomach. (NAHUM is his name). The third tries to tell us his name “HABBAKUK”—he is obviously choking on the feathers. Underneath the bed, ZEPHANIAH is playing hide and seek from HAGGAI who is currently looking in the closet. Next to Zephaniah is ZECHARIAH who is also under the bed. MALACHI storms in the room and tells us it’s time to go bye-bye! [7 books]

So.... that's the house I built. Obviously, you can build your own house and use your own pneumonic devices. Strangely, once you've built it, you pretty much have it memorized. In fact, I typed this entire thing from memory. (!)