When it comes to faith, what moves you?
For me, I can be moved by the glory of nature -- the mountains, the power of a storm ... But I can also be moved by an illness. (Nothing slows me down and gets me to prayer quicker and with more feeling than the flu. Ugh!). So, whether glory or the cross, I can be moved.
What moves you?
Thomas had been moved by the Cross. Of course, he had been moved in the opposite direction of faith, but he had been moved. The Cross scandalized him. The experience could have moved him the other way, of course; like Mary, the Mother of Jesus, it could have deepened his love for Jesus -- see how much He loves me! But the Cross was a scandal for Thomas.
And his friends -- their testimony could have moved him, too. But Thomas was incredulous. He had been with his friends for nearly three years; he knew them; and yet he did not believe them. He didn't believe the Blessed Mother, even! That's when you know you are in a bad spot: when there is no one you would listen to.
And who knows why. Maybe Thomas was blinded by the hurt, by the scandal. Maybe he wanted more. Maybe he didn't know what he wanted. But whatever it was, he was living out of that -- hurt, desire -- instead of living from love and belief. He was living from doubt.
A word about doubt. Doubt is different than difficulty. Doubt says, "I won't believe until you prove it to me," and that is going to take a lot. Probably a miracle. Or a really good argument. Difficulty, on the other hand, says, "This teaching is hard, so please help me understand it." Difficulty knows that something is, well, difficult, but speaks from good will and from the "benefit of a doubt." I believe you, it says, but it is really hard for me to see how this is. It will take the hand of friendship, trusting that there has been friendship there.
When I was in college, I struggled with doubt. I had been hurt and, coupled with the philosophy I was learning, I started to doubt a lot of things: not only the faith, but authority figures, and to some degree: reality. When that happens, we become our own Pope; my own authority, individualistic, and sadly isolated. In time, I realized that I was not infallible; I was finite, mistake-ridden, temperamental. I was poor as my own authority. I doubted myself. At that point, what can one believe in? ... I was in a bad spot. And the only thing that could save me was a miracle -- and a good argument.
One of my friends said to me: "Anthony, have you ever doubted your doubt?" Great question. You see, I had doubted everything -- authority, myself, reality -- but there was one thing I did believe in: my own doubt! How silly! And as soon as I doubted that -- truly brought my logic to its full bearing and conclusion -- I could begin to taste fresh air again. "What if there was more to life than doubt? What if... what if belief... was the right path?" I had followed doubt's path to its end: nihilism, nothingness, and despair -- and to be told that this was not the only road, but that there was another path, a way of light?! Oof! What a grace!
This is where Jesus draws Thomas in. Jesus speaks from a heart of friendship. When he says to Thomas, "Here, put your finger in my side," he is not only giving permission to Thomas; Jesus is also saying to Thomas: "I know you have been hurt. Let me help you. Doubt is not the only way."
And notice: this is not a grace given to Mary Magdalene. Jesus had said to her, "Do not touch me." Not only did she not "need" to touch (although she really wanted to), but she had never lost her friendship. She never stopped believing in Love. The gift of the touch was to be given to Thomas precisely for this moment, for Love's renewal in Thomas. Thomas was special -- and this gift was reserved for him.
So what did Thomas touch? Yes, Jesus' side. But remember why it was the side. On the one hand, it was the place where the centurion had pierced Jesus. It was the place where blood and water had flowed -- and had brought conversion to the Centurion! It was the place of new faith. Of where conversion would happen for Thomas, too ... It is also, mystically, the place of new creation: God the Father had taken flesh from Adam's side so as to create Eve. Jesus is the New Adam and from His side would come the Bride, the Church. Thomas touches the mystical beginnings. And that was fitting, given that Thomas was an apostle on which the Church would be built.
But there is another meaning to this exclamation. In addition to faith, there is repentance. You see, the prophets had foretold that the Messiah would bring about the justice and judgment of God. In one place, Jesus Himself even talks about how the Messiah will slay the enemies of God (see Luke 19:27). Thomas had abandoned the Messiah in His hour of need. My Lord and my God, Thomas could also fearfully and repentantly say, please do not kill me!
I'm not going to kill you, Thomas. I wouldn't destroy you. You are important to me. You are my friend. You believe. And that is enough for me. I am pleased to give you my forgiveness -- instead of judgment, I give you mercy.
Thomas, knowing personally this mercy, is now sent as an Apostle not only of faith, but of mercy: Go, and forgive others as I have forgiven you. A good confessor, you will find, will himself know the mercy of God.
It is important here to point out that the Divine Mercy image (which says at the bottom, Jesus I trust in you) has a mirror image. And that image is the Sacred Heart.
You see, the Divine Mercy image is of the Sacred Heart. This is what the Divine Mercy image is. You see, the image you are used to seeing is of Jesus, but in His Resurrection. He points to His Heart, and from His Heart comes the light, red for the blood of the Eucharist, white for the waters of Baptism.
That is to say, in His Mercy, Jesus knows that sometimes we are touched by the Crucifixion; other times we are touched by the Resurrection. We can be moved by glory ... we can be moved by sickness.
Some of us are moved more by Lent. Some of us are more moved by Easter.
The important thing is that we are moved. And it is the Mercy of Jesus by which He desires to move us.
You see, some of you may not have been moved much by Lent. And that is okay. Jesus wants to move you in this Easter Season. In fact, in the forty or so days that remain of this Easter Season, I humbly propose that there is just as much grace-- if not more-- in this moment than there is in Lent.
If you are more moved by glory, this is your time to be moved!
This is the time where you can receive such a deepening in faith; and, by faith, a deepening in repentance and of encountering God's Mercy -- which, having encountered such a gift, necessarily leads to gratitude and joy.
And so, in the weeks ahead, walk around in that question: what moves me?
Is it the Cross? Is it the Glory?
In the end, it wasn't simply that Thomas got to touch Jesus. In the end, it was Jesus who bestowed the Gift of the touch -- and touched Thomas. Right to Thomas' heart.
Let us pray ...
Jesus, bring healing to my heart and my faith. Touch my soul. From any scandal that has hurt my faith, heal me. From any hurts in my past that have led me to doubt you and those that love me, heal me, Jesus. Touch my heart and renew me by your mercy! Amen!
In the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.
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